Posted by: Nancy Skee
Yes, you read that right. My former student, a13-year-old 8th grade boy who now had “Dr.” in front of his name, was the one doing my annual “well adult” physical. Oh, lord.
I knew this day would come. And how could it not when I’ve been teaching in, living in, retiring to, and establishing my new career in the same general geographic location for the last 30 or so years? But whatd’ya gonna do? Student/adults are kind of a job hazard, and something teachers often joke about, actually.
Teacher 1: Harhar! I’d better not give Bobby, Tommy, Kashwan, Eddie, (just insert a boy name) the failing grade he earned because one day he’ll be my dentist, pulmonologist, gynecologist (just insert a necessary care provider).
Teacher 2: Harhar! Yeah! Can’t you just picture the blood draw? “Hey, weren’t you the teacher who failed me for not doing my homework? Let’s use this extra-large needle!!”
Teacher 1: Harhar! Yeah! Can’t you just imagine the pre-surgery? “Hey, weren’t you the teacher who made me wear a tutu when our class danced to Neil Sedaka’s Calendar Girl in our Unified Arts stage show? Nurse, cancel the anesthesiologist.”
Teachers1 & 2: Harharharhar!
Well, it didn’t exactly shake out that way, but it did start (as it always does with student/adults) with “Hey, weren’t you a teacher….”
…and the whole story unfolds. Yes, I was a teacher, yes I taught 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th grade, yes we did stage shows, built haunted houses, made walking tacos…yes, yes, yes, yes. Then we go from there.
Teen Doctor: Well, hello, um..Nancy…so why are you here?
Me: Because you guys make me come here every year. I could go home right now and be really happy about it.
Teen Doc: Haha! Touche! Well, this won’t take long. Are you in any pain?
Me: No… (?!?!?!)…Only the pain of being here. Nothing personal, but I could be doing other things.
Teen Doc: Haha! Good one! Well, let’s see. Just a few questions. Have you ever had a colonoscopy?
Me: Of course. The prep drink tastes like camel spit. You don’t forget a thing like that.
TD: Haha! Touche!..When was your last…um (whispering and making a circular motion in front of his chest)…mammogram?
Me: Last year.
TD: Very good! Do you remember when you had your last…(whispering and making a circular motion around his general lap area)…pap smear?
Me: Pssshhht! Who remembers when that was! It’s not like I’m exactly having a fire sale (whispering and making a circular motion in my lap area)…down there. [Apologies to my children who will read this at some point.]
TD: (Striving to come across professionally) Well, as we get older it’s important to continue to have regular exams.
Me: I see. When was your last pap smear?
TD: Haha! Touche!…Nurse?! Nurse??!!!! I think we’re finished with Ms. Skee…You can go now… um…Nancy. Thanks for coming in!
Me: (?) Sure. Thanks, doc.
And just like that, I got my Seal of Approval for another great year. However, I can’t help but think into the future to the time the kids put me in Willow Valley, Brethren Village, Landis Homes (just insert a local nursing home).
I hope my RN, care provider, bedpan holder will have been a good student. I wouldn’t want my spotter to “accidentally” let go of the ladder when I’m trying to install a light fixture in my assisted living suite. Know what I mean?!