May 22, 2018
Can You Hear Me Now? - or – How Many Jiggamikes Do You Really Need?!
Posted by: Nancy Skee
Maybe you saw my sad FB post about losing my cell phone in the chilly waters of the downstairs commode?
It’s a female thing, and it happens to more ladies than you might think.
I had lots of good advice on how to revive it: “Put it in rice!” “Did you put it in rice?” “Shove it in a bag of rice! I fixed my husband’s that way!” (What?) At any rate, it was very late at night, and I only had frozen, steam-able rice which wouldn’t do, so I just waved it in the air to maybe dry it a little, then wrapped it in a towel. How do you think that turned out?
Not well. Early the next morning I nabbed the first appointment available my Verizon store, which is where I had bought the now-drown iPhone. So proactive, right? They have all the records on what you’ve previously purchased, like how many jiggamikes you need for storage, what size your screen is, whether you have a Bionic processor or a regular junky one….and lots of other things I don’t know about or really care about. I thought that by going to the same place it would be easier because I’d have Someone in The Know guiding me to the Right Fit.
At the Verizon store that morning I couldn’t help but notice that all the workers were handsome, young Argentinian men with dark hair and close-fitting tee shirts. I’m just sayin’. Each was ready to take my hand and guide me to the Right Fit with a method combining their suave, romantic Argentinian accents and their deep and mysterious iPhone knowledge.
Tomas glided up to me, took my hand,
and looked at me with smoldering Argentinian eyes.“Hello,” he said. “I am Tomahz. I am heere to help you. What ees it you want me to do?” I thought about asking for a cocktail and some tango music, but it was only 11:30 in the morning and really, I was on a mission and just wanted a working phone.
Tomas led me to a bank of iPhones, talking about all those jiggamike storage bits and all those other things I mentioned. He looked up my old phone’s Permanent Record, comparing the new phones to the one I had lost in the flood. “Ees there anything else you would like to know?”
Actually, yes. I wanted to know how much I’d have to shell out. All I wanted to be able to do was answer my phone, send a text, take some pictures, and look up stuff. I don’t need to watch episodes of Suits on my phone. How many jiggamikes do you really need for that? If I could do what I wanted to do for fewer dollars rather than more dollars, I was sold.
“Thees one,” Tomas crooned, “ees only two million dollars. Loook at the bigger screen and the imagine the power of a larger battery! Eet will last much longer for you, and you weel enjoy much, much more pleasure!” I asked to see the one that would give me half the pleasure for a just a million dollars.
“But thees one does not have HDR! You can see the difference in the vibrancy of the colors between the two, yes? And remember - the battery is not as long lasting!” I rolled the facts around in my mind, prayed over it, and decided since I’d have to pay a million dollars for a new phone anyway, I’d spend a little more money to enhance the experience. Go figure.
Tomas walked me up to the counter to complete the purchase. Before popping into the back to retrieve the new phone, he called over Miguel, his coworker, to tell me about his new package. “Eet ees a fabulous package with an add-on for any other device! Eet also includes the Hum+ app to organize all your songwriting ideas. It can also diagnose any trouble happening with your car! There is also insurance on your phone!”
I told Miguel that I cared nothing for Hum and that my mechanic could diagnose my vehicle when needed. He looked at me and said, “Oh, reeeelly? I love your leopard blouse and your designer handbag!” and flounced off. What was that? He was definitely not as smooth as Tomas who at that moment walked up with my new phone.
“Do you like the package?
Thee Hum, thee extra device, thee insurance….?” I asked Tomas what the insurance covered. “Oh, you know,” he said nonchalantly. “You crack a screen, thee phone gets wet, anything at all! Even if you happen to drop it in a commode, haha!” Right then something clicked in my brain. Insurance….hmmmm….my friend Jackie had asked me if my drown phone had been insured.
“Hey, Tomas. Would you look on my Permanent Record to see if my other phone was covered?” Indeed it was, how ‘bout that? I felt betrayed by my suave Argentinian Verizon clerk. “Tomas!” I scolded. “Why didn’t you tell me that up front before we started this whole affair?!!”
“But I thought you wanted a new phone! Weeth thee insurance you weel have to pay a deductible of up to $89!! And…” He lowered his voice to a whisper and I leaned in. “You weel have to wait one or two days to get yours!” Well, let me tell ya, sister. I’ve waited longer than two days to get much less than that. I asked Tomas for the insurance number to call and left the store without a backward glance.
So, I’ve been without a phone for two days and have felt uncomfortably inconvenienced. I was in the yard and wanted to talk to a friend. I had to go in the house, look up her phone number and use a handset. I wanted to subtract one number from another and had to get a pencil and paper. I wanted to know something as I walked two blocks to the post office. I had to wait until I got home and look it up on my laptop! But the wait is nearly over, and I will have my new replacement phone by this evening.
Tonight I’ll be trying to figure out how many jiggamikes it takes to download all my information that’s locked up in the Cloud somewhere. (I’m not going back to Tomas!) While I’m working on that I’ll be pondering the lesson that is in here somewhere. I’m not sure what it is.
Maybe one of these would work:
A.) Always keep a bag of rice in the house,
B.) Never put your phone in your back pocket before using the facilities,
C.) Men named Tomas are only out to line their pockets with cell phone sales,
D.) Verizon is only interested in its bottom line, or
E.) Get over yourself! It’s a first-world problem.
I don’t know. What’s your vote? Or maybe you’ve got a better one. Let me know – just drop in a response! Tomorrow you can call or text me.